The Hosk

Imagine if you laid an egg with Paul Daniels inside

2009-11-27T15:05:00.000-08:00

Imagine if you laid an egg with Paul Daniels inside

HOSKS HALF HOUR

Brilliant podcast is the brain birth of the Hosk, an Internet Enigma who is obsessed with putting the word Hosk into as many things as possible, he is also the inventor of theHoskcast, like a podcast but funnier. It is a comedy podcast featuring amusing news, stand up andobservations, twisted ambient music with odd stories. It has morale dilemmas and an obsession of reading Sun Stories, Stories from the Hosk and random thoughts which fart out of his brain.

http://hoskshalfhour.blogspot.com/

ET Is a bit suspicious

2009-11-27T14:54:00.001-08:00

ET Is a bit suspicious

HOSKS HALF HOUR

http://hoskshalfhour.blogspot.com/

100grand music my aweseome mix tape

2009-11-27T14:52:00.000-08:00

A Man wins 100 grand or so he thinks

HOSKS HALF HOUR

http://hoskshalfhour.blogspot.com/

Funny story about ducks

2009-11-27T14:40:00.000-08:00

Funny story about ducks

HOSKS HALF HOUR

http://hoskshalfhour.blogspot.com/

District 9 Sales pitch

2009-11-27T14:37:00.000-08:00

I was trying to persuade my girlfriend to go to the cinema and watch a sci fi movie, not easy

HOSKS HALF HOUR

http://hoskshalfhour.blogspot.com/

Imagine if life went backwards

2009-09-18T09:51:00.000-07:00

I read a book slaughter house 5 which puts forward the idea of the time as something aliens can see all of it at once and choose which parts to look at. So don’t be sad at the bad things but just look at the happy things.

One part talks about watching a film going backwards and the 2^nd world war involved planes sucking up bombs from destroyed cities and repairing them.

Baywatch going backwards

In Baywatch Hasslehoff would go about the beach, give people the kiss of life and then take them out to water to try and drown them before they could finally escape his grasp and head on back to dry land.

Sex

Involves humans shrinking before finally crying and crawling back inside their mother, who starts screaming. Then the person slowly turns into a tadpole, leaps out of the egg and sprints full speed, getting enough speed so they can leap from the vagina into the tiny jap’s eye of the penis of their dad. Once this is done Dad with draws his penis from mother and the sperm swims into the hairy nutsack. Once father gets this valuable sperm he leaves mother and they slowly drift apart until they act as if they never met.

Books

In the backwards world, books are loathed. People spend hours unwritting the foul things. Any books found in a house, are returned to shops where they reward you by exchanging the books for money

Work

People in the backwards world feel sorry for employers and as a favour they work for them 37.5 hours a week and then pay them for the privledge.

Football

One of the most boring pastimes, every single match ends in a nil – nil draw. The league is staggered with some teams starting with more points to get rid of than others but slowly over the season it all balances out and each season ends with all the teams level on zero points.

Eating is terrible.

We go into the toilet, throw some water down the sink, put some soap into a small dispenser using the sucking motion on the top. We then start to take used pieces of toilet paper out of the toilet and then wipe the shit onto are arse, after a while, we take suck a turd clean out of the toilet into are arse!!! After a while we then vomit up whole meals and small pieces of food which we carefully piece together and often wrap up and put on shelves for other people to buy.

Life backwards

Often some people wake up in old folks homes surrounded by these weird old people, who can bearly look after themselves and piss and shit themselves and generally talk crap and believe TV people are real. Some of them keep talking about premonitions of a war that is going to happen. It’s sounds great, this bloke called Hitler, revives millions of people and even makes some Jewish people out of bars of soap. Hitler isn’t happy with this and also invents a shower that you put dead people in, sucks the gas out of the air and they all come back to life. In the backwards world Hitler is one of the most celebrated people, where as Oscar schindler is reviled for making a huge list of people who he sends back to prison. The story of Anne frank is very unusual, she gets revived in a prisoner of war camp and then hides away in a small loft hidden from everyone and unwrites her famous diary until she is a no one again.

Doctors are considered evil. People who have recovered from an illness visit them, only to find the doctor infects them with it. The only way around this is to go home, live your life until the symptoms disappear.

Old people get visited by family members until one day they take them out of the old folks home, you feel a lot better and have more energy. You slowly start to build up your energy and sanity levels until finally you get up enough strength to go to work. Often you will have a good job on excellent pay despite having no experience. No experience is considered the most valuable thing in backwards world. Slowly as you build up more experience you become less valuable and then on a yearly basis your employee meets you for your pay review meeting and they slowly reduce you wages through your life until in the end they sack you. You get disenchanted and see no other choice than going to University, initially you work really hard but then the more you stay at university the less and less work you do, until you get to your final year where you spend most of the time mucking about, not working, drinking beer and shagging women. Finally university get sick of you and chuck you out. Not to be put off you give education another chance and go to school. Same old story, work hard to begin with and then slowly work less and less until they get sick of you and chuck you out. It’s your last chance with education now and you give primary school ago, same story and finally they chuck you out. You give up on school altogether and you just sit around and play. Because of your failure in education people think you are stupid and talk to you in baby language and patronize you by congratulating you on walking and saying simple words. You get sick of this, you get slowly weaker because you are shrinking and eating less each day, finally you dive into your mothers womb, get sick of it in there and dive into you fathers penis.

Wind up vibrator - The Sexy way to save the planet

2009-09-18T06:26:00.000-07:00

A funny news story about the a company selling a wind up vibrator

HOSKS HALF HOUR

http://hoskshalfhour.blogspot.com/

Internet dating

2009-09-18T06:24:00.000-07:00

Internet dating, it's a bit like writing a CV, full of people extending the truth, they are cultural, they read books and they just want to mean someone who wants to have fun, who doesn't want to have fun.

HOSKS HALF HOUR

http://hoskshalfhour.blogspot.com/

Facebook superpoke

2009-09-18T06:21:00.000-07:00

It's annoying one people you on facebook isn't it, ISN'T IT

HOSKS HALF HOUR

http://hoskshalfhour.blogspot.com/

movie cliche - something in your eye, leads to a tongue down your throat

2009-09-14T16:17:00.000-07:00

movie cliche - something in your eye, leads to a tongue down your throat

This is a clip from the very funny comedy podcast Hosks Half Hour-http://hoskshalfhour.blogspot.com, if you like the clip below then listen to a whole show

HOSKS HALF HOUR

Brilliant podcast is the brain birth of the Hosk, an Internet Enigma who is obsessed with putting the word Hosk into as many things as possible, he is also the inventor of theHoskcast, like a podcast but funnier. It is a comedy podcast featuring amusing news, stand up and observations, twisted ambient music with odd stories. It has morale dilemmas and an obsession of reading Sun Stories, Stories from the Hosk and random thoughts which fart out of his brain.

http://hoskshalfhour.blogspot.com/

What do people do with Merkins?

2009-09-14T16:10:00.000-07:00

Who invented the merkin? who uses the Merkin? what the hell is the purpose of the Merkin?

This is a clip from the very funny comedy podcast Hosks Half Hour-http://hoskshalfhour.blogspot.com, if you like the clip below then listen to a whole show

HOSKS HALF HOUR

Brilliant podcast is the brain birth of the Hosk, an Internet Enigma who is obsessed with putting the word Hosk into as many things as possible, he is also the inventor of theHoskcast, like a podcast but funnier. It is a comedy podcast featuring amusing news, stand up and observations, twisted ambient music with odd stories. It has morale dilemmas and an obsession of reading Sun Stories, Stories from the Hosk and random thoughts which fart out of his brain.

http://hoskshalfhour.blogspot.com/

Wind up vibrator and other funny news stories

2009-09-09T04:56:00.001-07:00

I found some amusing stories today on ananova quirkies, here are my favourites. I bet Trevor bayliss is kicking himself he didn't invent the wind up vibrator

Half of Brits injured by biscuits

More than half of all Britons have been injured by biscuits, according to a new survey.

Injuries range from being scalded by hot tea or coffee while dunking to breaking a tooth while eating biscuits, reports the Daily Telegraph.

An estimated 25 million adults have been injured while eating during a tea or coffee break - with at least 500 landing themselves in hospital, the survey found.

The custard cream was found to be the worse offender. It beat the cookie to top a table of 15 generic types of biscuit whose potential dangers were calculated by The Biscuit Injury Threat Evaluation.

Custard creams get a risk rating of 5.63, this compared to 1.16 for Jaffa cakes, which was the safest biscuit of all in the evaluation.

Research company Mindlab International were commissioned by Rocky, a chocolate biscuit bar, to conduct the research.

It found almost a third of adults said they had been splashed or scalded by hot drinks while dunking or trying to fish the remnants of a collapsed digestive.

It also revealed 28 per cent had choked on crumbs while one in 10 had broken a tooth or filling biting a biscuit.

More unusually, three per cent had poked themselves in the eye with a biscuit and seven per cent bitten by a pet or "other wild animal" trying to get their biscuit.

Mindlab International director Dr David Lewis said: "We tested the physical properties of 15 popular types of biscuits, along with aspects of their consumption such as 'dunkability' and crumb dispersal."

Passer-by catches falling boy

A six-year-old boy survived a 70ft fall from an apartment balcony in Sweden after he was caught by a passer-by.

Rescue workers had been trying to pull the youngster back into the seventh floor flat in Gothenburg when he plunged to the ground into the arms of Lars Gunnarsson who'd stopped to watch the drama.

Police spokeswoman Pia Goksoyr said officers had seen the boy dangling from the window and rushed to help him but had been unable to reach him in time.

But Ms Goksoyr said the boy's life was saved as the man managed to catch him and break his fall.

She said: "The man saw the boy hanging from the window and tried to catch him. He caught him and broke the fall and probably saved his life. But the boy was still hurt and is being treated in hospital."

A spokesman for Sahlgrenska's Queen Silvia Children's Hospital in Gothenburg said: "His condition isn't life threatening."

Police are now investigating the incident.

Ms Goksoyr added: "It may be that the boy shut himself in his room to be by himself and the parents outside the door in the apartment were unaware of what had happened."

Taking the pee

Judges have reduced the rent on a posh apartment - because the tenants could hear their neighbours peeing through the thin walls.

Peter and Susana Keller have had the rent on their home in Berlin, Germany, reduced by 10%.

Noise pollution experts told the court that some noise would be expected to travel but the sound of a man urinating into the loo was "clear, distinct and plainly very irritating".

Mr Keller said after the verdict: "I am very happy with the outcome, although it will not solve the problem in itself.

"It is though some compensation after having to put up with something which has been very unpleasant for us.

"It was not just the noise itself that was a problem but the fact that you knew exactly what the source of the noise was in complete detail.

"It was terrible to listen to if you heard it just as you were sitting down to your dinner."

Green sex toy could 'help save planet'

Environmentally conscious women are getting a buzz out of a new hand-cranked vibrator that makers say could help save the planet.

The eco-sex toy - dubbed the Earth Angel - uses a small wind-up handle to power up rechargeable batteries inside the casing.

It had originally been planned as a sex aid for the Third World where batteries and electricity supplies are unreliable.

But Irish manufacturers Camden Enterprises have been swamped with interest from Green followers after displaying the vibrator at an electronics fair in Linz, Austria, this week.

"We wanted to produce an environmentally friendly sex toy that appealed to all consumers regardless of gender, age or ethnicity.

"It has been in its development stage for the past two years and we are excited that our vision has become reality," said a spokesman.

clothed man sparks riot at a nudest colony

2009-09-08T13:55:00.000-07:00

This is a funny story about a man who starts causing trouble at a nudest colony because he refuses to take his clothes off and then some of the women try to make him take his clothes. woohooo that's the spirit ladies

This is a clip from the very funny comedy podcast Hosks Half Hour-http://hoskshalfhour.blogspot.com, if you like the clip below then listen to a whole show

HOSKS HALF HOUR

Brilliant podcast is the brain birth of the Hosk, an Internet Enigma who is obsessed with putting the word Hosk into as many things as possible, he is also the inventor of theHoskcast, like a podcast but funnier. It is a comedy podcast featuring amusing news, stand up and observations, twisted ambient music with odd stories. It has morale dilemmas and an obsession of reading Sun Stories, Stories from the Hosk and random thoughts which fart out of his brain.

http://hoskshalfhour.blogspot.com/

X Factor Comedy

2009-09-08T13:49:00.000-07:00

Here is a little mix of some Hosk Comedy about the X Factor, it's just a little slice of the X Factor podcast, which featured over 30 minutes of X Factor comedy and with some great performances from some of the worst singers to appear on the X Factor.

This is a clip from the very funny comedy podcast Hosks Half Hour-http://hoskshalfhour.blogspot.com, if you like the clip below then listen to a whole show

HOSKS HALF HOUR

Brilliant podcast is the brain birth of the Hosk, an Internet Enigma who is obsessed with putting the word Hosk into as many things as possible, he is also the inventor of theHoskcast, like a podcast but funnier. It is a comedy podcast featuring amusing news, stand up and observations, twisted ambient music with odd stories. It has morale dilemmas and an obsession of reading Sun Stories, Stories from the Hosk and random thoughts which fart out of his brain.

http://hoskshalfhour.blogspot.com/

Simon Cowell's Best Insults - X Factor Fun

2009-09-08T13:08:00.000-07:00

I have a love hate relationship with the X Factor but one thing I do enjoy is watching Simon Cowell just insult those desperate dumb X Factor wannabes . So I have collected some of my favourite insults and in the first part I am reading them whilst laughing and the second part I let Simon Cowell do what he does best, insult the stupid.

This is a clip from the very funny comedy podcast Hosks Half Hour -http://hoskshalfhour.blogspot.com, if you like the clip below then listen to a whole show

HOSKS HALF HOUR

Brilliant podcast is the brain birth of the Hosk, an Internet Enigma who is obsessed with putting the word Hosk into as many things as possible, he is also the inventor of theHoskcast, like a podcast but funnier. It is a comedy podcast featuring amusing news, stand up and observations, twisted ambient music with odd stories. It has morale dilemmas and an obsession of reading Sun Stories, Stories from the Hosk and random thoughts which fart out of his brain.

http://hoskshalfhour.blogspot.com/

Pinball Wizard Comedy

2009-09-07T12:51:00.000-07:00

I love the song Pinball Wizard from The Who, I don't mind the rock opera but what I do have issue with with, is the idea that a deaf, dumb and blind kid can be a pinball wizard. I just don't see it.

This is a clip from the very funny comedy podcast Hosks Half Hour - http://hoskshalfhour.blogspot.com, if you like the clip below then listen to a whole show

HOSKS HALF HOUR

Brilliant podcast is the brain birth of the Hosk, an Internet Enigma who is obsessed with putting the word Hosk into as many things as possible, he is also the inventor of the Hoskcast, like a podcast but funnier. It is a comedy podcast featuring amusing news, stand up and observations, twisted ambient music with odd stories. It has morale dilemmas and an obsession of reading Sun Stories, Stories from the Hosk and random thoughts which fart out of his brain.

http://hoskshalfhour.blogspot.com/

All Fannies Are Different

2009-09-07T12:06:00.000-07:00

All fannies are different is scientific fact, a fact not yet proven by scientists but don't worry they are getting round to it, once they have tested why cornflakes go soggy in milk, why farts in the bath smell of sprouts etc etc.

Sometimes things come out of my mouth which shock me and then make me laugh my head off. This is one of those times. My friend was discussing with me how his new girlfriends fanny felt different and the Hosk picked up the ball and ran with it. This is a clip from the very funny comedy podcast Hosks Half Hour, if you like this listen to it

42 inches

2009-09-05T07:16:00.000-07:00

here is another sketch I wrote, I thought i might as well publish them on my blog. I think this one did appear in my comedy podcasts, possibly number 18

http://hoskshalfhour.blogspot.com/2008/02/hosks-half-hour-episode-18-evolution.html

steve: hey did I tell you about my new 42 inches of joy

russ: 42 inches, oh my god what have you done, you have gone an swapped you todger for a horses cock man, you will never go an get a lady to sit on that man

steve: what are you going on about, I have brought a new flat screen TV, real people don’t get penis extensions, is there such a thing

russ: I dunno what you asking me for, I’m very happy with the size of my penis, length and girth, I’ve never had any complaints

steve: if someone actually complained, you must be doing something really wrong

russ: no lass has ever complained to me

steve: who have they complained to, your mum, ha ha ha ha

russ: what! 42 inches impressive, that is exactly 7 times the size of my knob

steve: dude I didn’t really want to know that

russ: so when you are watching TV you can just imagine 7 of my knobs could on top of the screen

steve: I am not imaging that, that is odd, why would you tell me that

russ: I’m not ashamed of the size of my knob

steve: good but keep it too yourself because saying things like that means firstly I know you have measured yourself and secondly now I have a horrible image of you naked with a ruler probably wondering about where you start measuring from

russ: well there is not standard man, someone down the pub might be measure his balls as well, giving him an extra inch, its not fair and women should know that some men are cheating, we need EU standards on this

steve: To be honest I could live without knowing the dimensions of you or anyone else’s manhood. Anyway it’s not the size that matters but what you do with it

russ: well people with small one’s always say that

steve: hey mine isn’t small, its you standard size thank you very much

russ: well people with smalls one’s always say that as well

steve: okay its 7 inches if you must now

russ: depends where you measure it from.

steve: from the normal spot, I’m not including the balls

russ: so how big is yours

steve: I just told you

russ: no your TV

steve: oh its 32 inches

russ: that’s not bad I suppose but most people say bigger is better

STEVE dude its not the size that matters but the size of the room you put it in

Russ: are we still talking about TV’s

steve: yes, although it is an interesting point, all the talk is about penis size never the size of the women vag

russ: well you cant because there is no way to measure

steve: not only that but every time you do try and measure one the girl usually complains

russ: jesus what did you use as a measure, a ruler

steve: no, I thought liquid, like at much water as a pint

russ: man that’s fucked up, so how come you brought a new TV

steve: well I have more money since I got divorced

HOSKS HALF HOUR

Brilliant podcast is the brain birth of the Hosk, an Internet Enigma who is obsessed with putting the word Hosk into as many things as possible, he is also the inventor of the Hoskcast, like a podcast but funnier. It is a comedy podcast featuring amusing news, stand up and observations, twisted ambient music with odd stories. It has morale dilemmas and an obsession of reading Sun Stories.

http://hoskshalfhour.blogspot.com/

Capello under pressure

2009-09-05T07:11:00.000-07:00

Here is a sketch I wrote around the time of the 14th Feb 2008! As England are playing a friendly today I thought I would add it to the blog. I was thinking of adding it into Hosks Half Hour - Episode 18 but I am not sure if it actually made it in

it's a satirical look at how newspapers take things to extremes when reporting on England football team, rather than make interesting points they use hyperbole instead

F/X: NEWs

Geoff Butterfield: good evening I’m Geoff Butterfield and the headlines today, Britney Spears is continuing the alarming new craze among celebrities by having her right breast doubled in size so she can wear the new fashionable top the Mexicana slingshot. Parents have criticised the new clothing range saying it will create legions of lopsided ladies. Today England boss Fabio Cappello has come under increasing pressure in the England job after only winning his first game in charge 2 – 1, over to our chief football correspondent Dickie Thomas.

DICKIE THOMAS: Good evening Geoff, yes yesterdays match couldn’t have gone worse for the new Boss by only winning his first match 2 – 1.

GB: where did the problems start for Capello?

dT: well problems are mounting up for the under siege England boss and this bad result is on the back of a terrible training session, where the players just ran about and then had a practise match, which ended in a 2 – 2 draw.

GB: what can the manager do to rectify the problem?

dt: well there are rumours he has one match to save his job and if we don’t win 6-0 at least then FA are rumoured to be looking at replacing Capello with English Hero Alan Shearer.

GB: at least 6-0, what do you think the chances of this?

dt: well I think the team has every chance, the team have been hyped up a lot by the media, so we all think they can easily win the world cup with this squad, especially when you consider the wages these player earn, they really are some of the highest wages in the world

GB: so what are the statistics for the current England boss

dt: well everyone has been scrutinizing the statistics to see if we can find any clues on what went wrong and they read as such, he has played one match and won one match.

GB: that’s not really good enough at this level is it?

dt: not really and the FA and England supporters will not stand for this type of record and results and this is highlighted in the odds for his sacking which currently are 2 to 1.

GB: do you think the manager deserves another match to prove he is the right man for the job

dt: well personally I think we should change now to give the new manager more time to get things right

GB: Thanks for that report. So there we have it, it looks like the England manager has ran out of time, which just shows us that Foreigners really don’t know anything about football apart from winning but don’t forget they didn’t invent it the beautiful game, good night

HOSKS HALF HOUR

Brilliant podcast is the brain birth of the Hosk, an Internet Enigma who is obsessed with putting the word Hosk into as many things as possible, he is also the inventor of the Hoskcast, like a podcast but funnier. It is a comedy podcast featuring amusing news, stand up and observations, twisted ambient music with odd stories. It has morale dilemmas and an obsession of reading Sun Stories.

http://hoskshalfhour.blogspot.com/

Great List Of Comedy Podcasts

2009-09-04T07:12:00.000-07:00

I have my own comedy podcasts - Hosks Half Hour, which very funny by the way. enough of that blatant plugging.
I am interesting in listening to other funny podcasts and I noticed that the Telegraph today included a list offunnypodcasts out there on the Internet. The list is a fairly predictable list of podcasts but they are predictable because they are all pretty funny.
I have found it quite difficult to find comedy podcasts because there are a lot of terrible comedy podcasts out there, usually with 2 people just talking to each other. So instead of comedy you just earwig on two people chatting. Even with the famous podcasts it usually ends with two people chatting. This is fine for the radio where they have 3 or 4 hours to fill on a regular basis but for people who have a weekly/monthly podcast then I think they should be a lot more comedy in them.
so before I let you go on your way to read the list of comedy podcasts you should consume, I want you to remember one thing, Hosks Half Hour is better than all of them, click here to see for youself
THE ONION RADIO NEWS
These are spoof radio reports from America’s favourite fake newspaper. Stories are delivered with slick conviction on subjects as ludicrous as President Obama getting tangled in coat hangers; cheese smugglers gettingdangerouslycheddared and North Korea being unprepared for an attack by North Korea.
www.theonion.com/content/ radionews?utm_source=nav
FRIDAY NIGHT COMEDY FROM BBC RADIO 4
A weekly downloadable delight which offers a satirical take on the week’s news. Current offering: I Guess That’s Why They Call It The News starring Laurence Howarth, Sarah Kendall, Gordon Southern and Milton Jones.
www.bbc.co.uk/podcasts/ series/fricomedy/
DAVID MITCHELL'S SOAPBOX
The Mitchell part of Mitchell and Webb offers a string of funny personal video rants. Topics include: “I hate lorries”; going to the doctor; getting rid of a mouse; and what your beer choice says about you. All delivered in Mitchell’s 24-carat satirical style.
www.channelflip.com/2009/02/06/david-mitchells-soapbox
ADAM AND JOE FROM BBC RADIO 6
Highlights from the duo's Saturday morning show with a few extra musings thrown in for good measure. Listen out for Song Wars and some charming home-made jingles.
www.bbc.co.uk/podcasts/series/adamandjoe/
THE RICKY GERVAIS SHOW
Video podcast in which Ricky Gervais teams up with his favourite collaborators Steven Merchant and Karl Pilkingtonto discuss important issues such as the meaning of life and Karl’s astoundingly low IQ.
www.rickygervais.com/podcasts2.php www.rickygervais.com/podcasts2.php
ANSWER ME THIS!
Last year’s iTunes Podcast of the Year, Answer Me This! is the brainchild of Helen Zaltzman and Olly Mann who have taken it upon themselves to answer thousands of their listeners' most profound and burning questions, such as ‘do humans still need hair’ and ‘should I go out with my boss?’

HOSKS HALF HOUR
Brilliant podcast is the brain birth of the Hosk, an Internet Enigma who is obsessed with putting the word Hosk into as many things as possible, he is also the inventor of the Hoskcast, like a podcast but funnier. It is a comedy podcast featuring amusing news, stand up and observations, twisted ambient music with odd stories. It has morale dilemmas and an obsession of reading Sun Stories.
http://hoskshalfhour.blogspot.com/

Laughing at the X Factor

2009-09-04T01:19:00.000-07:00

I have been doing a Hosks Half Hour on the X Factor this week, click here to have a laugh at that. This is what is in the episode

Hoskbervations

Hosk is angry about the X Factor

X factor is back, woohoo

Hosk Song he would sing if he went on the X Factor

do X Factor contestants jump for joy when a family member dies or gets an fatal illness

X Factor Judge Cowell is broken down

The Best Cowell insults on the X Factor

how do they make the contestants on X Factor cry so much?

The Worst X factor songs I could find

Eye of the tiger

Tragedy by a chicken factory worker
The new Eminim

The Earth Song

she is the whole package but is quite lazy!

news nugget

Royal family accuse Simon Cowell of being a sponger

Questions

do people being shouted at by Cowell ever think about his high trousers

do the judges ever shout "What Year is this"

Don't be alarmed if Walsh doesn't like you if you are not

why doesnt Cowell sack that Walsh fella

here are some of my thoughts and funny stuff I found on the show before the episode

X FActor ADVERTS

If your weird, eyes close together, only your parents think you can sing. Have you had a family die, get stricken with cancer. Then you should audition for the X Factor where dead or sick relatives can really help you. So don’t let the dead get you down, make em proud and audition for the X factor, it’s what Granny would have wanted.

Are you blonde, cute and Irish then you should apply to the X Factor, The man from Loius Walsh says yes.

Last week he told someone they had as much charisma as a banana. Fruit with personality! We must stop this now, EAT THEM.

Cowells best insults

1. “You should sue your singing teacher”

2. “I presume there was no mirror in your dressing room tonight."

3. “The end of the animal trade would leave more time to trap or beat to death pop star wannabes”

4. At age 4: "Mum, you look like a poodle"

5. On Bob Dylan: 'A singing poet? It just bores me to tears.'

6. “Shave off your beard and wear a dress. I think you’d be a great female impersonator”

7. "Did you really believe you could become the American Idol? Well, then, you're deaf."

8. "You have just invented a new form of torture"

9. "If you had lived 2,000 years ago and sung like that, I think they would have stoned you."

10. "The look, it was like something out of the Addams Family."

11. "You have the personality of a handle.”

12. "I’m tempted to ask if you sang that the night before your wife left you."

13. "You look like one of those creatures that live in the jungle with those massive eyes."

14. "What do you think we are looking for – a two-year-old who can't sing?"

15. "You were having fun. I'm not sure how much fun everyone at home was having."

16. "You came across as a background singer for a background singer."

17.. "You sounded like Cher after she's been to the dentist."

18. “Can I ask you a question? Do you and your girlfriend sing together at home? Have the police ever called?"

19. "You are fabulous but it was the singing that was slightly off-putting."

20. Simon: "What normally happens when you sing in public, Deborah?"

Deborah: "I've had a few people cry."

Simon: "I can believe that."

Don't insult Simon Cowell - anywhere in the solar system

'X Factor' contestants forced to promise not to criticise Cowell, wherever they are

The leaked contract states that artists must not make any statement which 'may be considered unduly negative, critical or derogatory of the company - including its personnel and, in particular, Simon Cowell'

· ENLARGE

For the contestants vying for the title of The X Factor winner, the reality show always promised nationwide fame, chart success and a £1m record deal.

But yesterday, it emerged that the lucky singer who will be crowned this weekend will have to make do with fame over fortune. The winner will be rewarded not with a £1m cash prize but the more diminutive advance of £150,000 for a first album. The only chance of hitting the £1m mark would be after making at least four albums, a leaked copy of the contract – which is enforceable "anywhere in the world and solar system" – showed.

The contract also contains a clause protecting Simon Cowell, stating that artists must not make any statement which "may be considered unduly negative, critical or derogatory of the company – including its personnel and, in particular, Simon Cowell".

Sony BMG confirmed that the80-page contract which all finalists had to sign before the Saturday night live shows began, clearly states a £150,000 advance for the winner. But the record company added that was a standard agreement for new acts.

Critics suggested it was misleading for the show's presenter, Dermot O'Leary, to allude to the £1m deal in front of the 13 million viewers.

But Sony said the £1m had always referred to the overall value of the deal. "The prize for winning The X Factor is a recording contract with Sony BMG. The value of recording an album can be around or in some cases, far in excess of £1m and The X Factor contract is a standard recording contract."

The £1m headline figure is calculated after taking into account location costs, filming, costumes, marketing and enlisting some of the music industry's best known producers. A source from Sony BMG said: "It's enormously expensive. Some people have flown to LA to record with top producers. We have photo-shoots, wardrobe costs, travel, production costs, vocal training, sound costs every time someone does a TV appearance."

The winner gets 15 per cent from single and album sales. Headlining a tour brings 7.5 per cent of show profits and 15 per cent of merchandise sales.

The 12 contestants are given three weeks to peruse and sign the contract before the beginning of each series and offered a choice of three independent solicitors, whose fees are paid by Cowell, The X Factor creator.

Artists who are voted out of the show are still under contract to Cowell's label for up to three months.

But Sony said that left artists free to collect profits from live appearances as well as TV and corporate events.

The winner has to sign up with the agent, Modest Management, in a deal having the potential to last 14 years.

The record label has "final say" over tracks for albums, and can choose producers and single releases.

Another clause states that artists leaving the show may have to give 5 per cent of all future live earnings to Cowell for a year.

ROW ERUPTS AFTER PRINCE PHILIP 'INSULTS' SIMON COWELL

ROW: Cowell says Prince Philip called him a sponger

X-FACTOR judge Simon Cowell is embroiled in a row with the Royal Family after accusing Prince Philip of calling him a sponger.

The talent show impresario complained that Philip was deliberately rude to him and the Queen ignored him in a backstage line-up after the Royal Variety Show.

Cowell, 49, made the claims on American television, talking to comedian and chat programme host Jay Leno on The Tonight Show.

His account of his exchange with Philip was supported by his fellow talent show judge Piers Morgan, who was involved in the same conversation.

But Buckingham Palace furiously denied the claims, insisting that the Queen had not ignored Cowell and Philip had never called him a sponger.

Cowell, who appeared on the late night show on Monday, told Leno that his meeting with the Queen at the 2007 Royal Variety Show was awkward.

OFFENCE: Cowell met the Queen and Philip at the Royal Variety

"It was actually embarrassing. She came on at the end of the show and you have to stand around for hours," he said. "She ignored me and her husband called me a sponger."

He explained the meaning of the word sponger for the American audience: "That means somebody who makes their money by sponging off other people," he said.

When Leno asked if Philip meant the insult, Cowell replied: "Yes, I think he was trying to be rude. So I just mumbled something and he walked off."

Cowell met the royals along with his fellow Britain's Got Talent judges, Morgan and Amanda Holden and the ITV programme's first winner, opera singer Paul Potts, who performed at the gala show.

Morgan, a former newspaper editor-turned television celebrity, has described the same meeting in his new book, God Bless America: Misadventures Of A Big Mouth Brit.

In the book, he writes how before the show, Cowell was irritated at the thought that the Queen might not recognise him. "Later, when the Queen and Prince Philip reached us in the line-up, it was quite clear that neither had a clue who Cowell was," he said.

"The Queen shook his hand with a bemused half-smile on her face and moved swiftly on to me with an expression of familiar relief."

But while he and Potts were chatting to the monarch, Philip was accusing Cowell of "sponging" off talent show winners, according to his account.

"'You're judges, is that right?' asked Prince Philip. 'Yes, sir,' I replied. 'So,' he chuckled, looking back at Cowell before pointing to Paul Potts, 'you sponge off him then?'"

"An hour later I was sitting in Cowell's sumptuous private jet heading back from Liverpool, where the show had been held, to London with our fellow judge, Amanda Holden. 'Perfect night,' I said. 'The Queen didn't know you, and Philip called you a sponger.'"

He insisted today: "I can categorically say it happened," and joked: "If we all have to trudge off to court, I'm available."

The claims, however, have infuriated courtiers and bemused Philip, who has told aides he does not know enough about Cowell to be able to insult him.

ACCUSATION: The star made the comment on the Jay Leno show

A Buckingham Palace spokeswoman insisted that Cowell must have misheard him. "The Duke of Edinburgh did not call Simon Cowell a sponger and the Queen did not ignore him. There are photos of her shaking hands with him," she said.

The Brighton-born television impresario, who has become an international star, also claimed on the same show that he had spoken to President Obama about having dinner last week but had been too busy to change his schedule.

"He wanted to have dinner, but our diaries didn't quite match. I said anytime I am in Washington," he added.

How Chinese people made England’s Town centers Safer

2009-09-03T01:37:00.000-07:00

2009/9/2 Email from MR C

"In china pedestrians have right of way, that's why Tiananmen square happened"

"There are loads in Preston now, that's why it's 20mph everywhere"

"Did anyone see mock the week last night?"

"no"

"well what happened was............" *cue a full replay of the show*

REPLY FROM MR HOSK

I love the fact that some people have managed to squeeze some crazy distorted view of an historical moment and are now spewing that out to other people

it's like an illogical dot to dot.

here is the end but how did we get there

English man surmises - Chinese man with their crazy walk in front of tank attitude, based on the theory of Pedestrians have right of way have directly led to an increase in 20 mile an hour zones in the UK. English man thinks of famous scene with man in front of the tank. WHAT WAS IN THAT BLOODY PLASTIC BAG.

loads of people get massacred in Tiananmen square

everyone see's picture of Chinese person almost getting run over by tank. What was in the plastic bag he had with?

man in England concludes, no wonder loads of people died if they are all walking in the road, especially when there are tanks tootling about.

man hears about pedestrians having the right of way in china

English man now clearly see's the link between pedestrians having the right of way and massacre in Tiananmen square, he thinks of the man in front of the tank. What was in that plastic bag!!!!

English man see increase in Chinese people in Preston, remembers Tiananmen square and right of way. At the same time an increase of 20 mile an hour zones in town centers.

money ramblings

2009-08-20T06:22:00.001-07:00

I was recording a credit crunch podcast this week and here are some of my odd ramblings and some quotes. Go to the Hosks Half Hour blog to see if the episode is up and running yet

Hosks Half Hour - http://hoskshalfhour.blogspot.com/

Been a millionaire is to know fear, everywhere you can see peoples hungry eyes, they want what you have got, they all want money, cash muala, wonga, the leg parter, the great persuader, Mr Yes, happiness in paper form, the dirty heart of Elvis presely.

We never had any money when I was a lad, I mean 4 and six pence was a kings ransom. We used to crave money so much we would go to the banks window and stare in, dribbling at the window until the bank manager chased us off with a broom.

For my 18 birthday I got given a lovely new gun, a pistol. It was my best present ever. Mother told me to be careful with it and I could have someones eye out with it if I wasn’t very careful. Oh yes I laughed. I tested the gun and accidently killed next doors dog. They knocked on the door, I opened it with my new gun holstered, the women eyed it suspiciously and asked me if I knew anything about her dog being shot. I said I didn’t know anything about it but I heard the Hell’s angels were in town and were kicking up a hell storm, they sacrifice dogs to the god of petrol, don’t say anything or they will burn your house down you crazy bitch. She snorted at me and said “absurd bastard” and something about a face like retarded ferret. I could hear gunny speaking to me by my side “smoke the bitch, before she ruins everything”, not yet gunny, we must wait like a fox in his hole.

I was bored so I went into the bank, I think it was gunnys idea. Whlist in the bank, surrounded by suits, slow moving people, old people who smell of cardboard and garlic

1.	"I'm not a paranoid derranged millionaire. Goddamit, I'm a billionaire." Howard Hughes.
2.	"If you would like to know the value of money, go and try to borrow some." Benjamin Franklin
3.	"Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." Spike Milligan.
4.	"When shit becomes valuable, the poor will be born without assholes." Henry Miller.
7.	"Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure." Errol Flynn.
8.	"When you've got them by their wallets, their hearts and minds will follow." Fern Naito.
9.	"I rob banks because that's where the money is." Willie Sutton.


12.	"When I was young I used to think that money was the most important thing in life. Now that I am old, I know it is." Oscar Wilde
21.	"Part of the $10 million I spent on gambling, part on booze and part on women. The rest I spent foolishly." George Raft.
22.	"Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping." Bo Derek.
23.	"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy." Spike Milligan.
27.	"If God only gave me a clear sign; like making a large deposit in my name at a swiss bank." Woody Allen.
30.	"Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free." Taylor Meade
31.	"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money." Henry Youngman
37.	"I wish that dear Karl could have spent more time acquiring capital instead of merely writing about it." Jenny Marx
38.	"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less." Brendon Francis.
31.	"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money." Henry Youngman
35.	"There are three ways of losing money: Racing is the quickest, women the most pleasant, and farming the most certain." Lord Amherst
37.	"I wish that dear Karl could have spent more time acquiring capital instead of merely writing about it." Jenny Marx

New Hosks Half Hour - Episode 68 Introducing the Sprout

2009-08-12T08:45:00.000-07:00

There is a new episode of Hosks Half Hour and it's a lovely mind bender of an episode, enjoy

http://hoskshalfhour.blogspot.com/2009/08/hosks-half-hour-episode-68-introducing.html

As I have been away for a while I have a mixture of some old stuff and some new stuff and have ended up with a great

big sweary odd mix indeed but it made me laugh. There is quite a lot of dog related material which is always good.

News Nuggets

Korean biscuits

needle removed from bum

Hosk Stories

dribbling dogs

Hosk thoughts - imagine a world where women didn't have breasts

Hosk Standup

do you get jealous of dogs sniffing arses?

Dogs are the aim of life

an advert for Jesus

introducing the sprout

other stuff

sweatathon

Hosk Songs

Hosk goes to snobs

3rd exit

potholes

Different flavours of farts

2009-08-12T08:41:00.000-07:00

It’s funny how farts have their own characteristics, in their own way they are like little humans. You are probably thinking what but there are lots of different fart types out there. You have the jolly, cheeky, fun little pops

Parp

These are funny little farts that make people laugh, if you were going to do a fart whilst meeting your girlfriends parents for the first time, to be honest I would probably play it safe to start with and hold it, you don’t want to risk shitting yourself or dropping a real stinker because families know each other so well they all know each others farts. Yes you go into a family and they all know when Dad has farted, when mum has farted, although mum pretends she never farts and it gets blamed on the dog but we know that the small border terrier didn’t do that smell but we play it safe and be polite. So if you let out a silent smellier here, they would know instantly that foreign new smell hit their noses.

But if you are going to do a fart in front of them, go for a cheeky parp. Everyone will be laughing and calling you a wicked man.

But there are other farts, the show stoppers, danger farts. This are the farts that make people angry, disgusted with you, disgusted that someone would do something so horrible in front of them. These are the farts that when you do them, you stop dead in your tracks because just for a second you can’t be totally sure that nothing followed behind it. These are the farts that you can’t blame on anyone else, they startle and scare. It makes everyone nervous

Then you get the other fart the really smelly fart that you find the funniest thing ever, well the funniest thing since you last did a fart like it. The ones you drop and then wait, you wait trying to keep a straight face. It’s difficult, you just want to laugh you head off, I’m talking schoolboy laughing, the kind of laughing that wants to burst out of you, just like the time you were in a geography lesson at school and some one has done something ridicously funny but you don’t really know why it’s so funny. Something like they have called their pencil Trevor and all of a sudden you can’t not laugh, you can’t even hold it in because it parps it way out, you are crying with tears.

Then you wait until someone gets hit and sounds like they get shot, well they get shot down by an arse sniper with dirty smelly bullet. AGHGHGHGGHHGG, they don’t know what’s happening or who shot them until they look around and see someone smirking or laughing, the one person who doesn’t mind the smell. What a giveaway.

There are two funny farting stories I have

One was when I was at school and this mate of mine ginger, who funnily enough had ginger hair, I tell ya, we could give a mean nickname when I was at school, my favourite football team was Ipswich Town FC, do you know the nickname they had, TOWN, I just don’t know how we came up with such clever names. Any Ginger, I also had a cat called Ginger, yep it was ginger as well. Anyway Ginger, not the cat did a fart that had three distinct tones, it was like something from close encounters of the third kind or maybe of the turd kind. It parp, barrm burp bam. I couldn’t stop laughing for days, well kids find things like that funny.

I can’t remember the second story, I have different one. It was when I was at uni, I was bursting for a shit and then one housemate went in and was in for 20 minutes and I was bursting, hopping on one foot, could sit down, I was in pain. Then as he finished another house mate snuck in. I thought I can’t make it, I don’t want to shit myself, what do I do, I didn’t want to shit in the sink in the kitchen, in the end I had to go in the garden like some kind of bloody animal. Then afterwoods I thought I had to wash the dirty clothes, I don’t really know why I didn’t shit on them but in my rush to put the clothes in the washing machine, I accidentally put in a knife and fork and I always remember my housemates face when he saw me pull the washing out of the machine and also pull out a knife and fork. It was like he caught me.

I just remembered the other story. At uni in the first year I lived in halls and I ate at the canteen, horrible stuff, only eat red/orange soup but it was the meat, some of it wasn’t very solid, it was barely able to hold a meat shape. What ever this meat was it gave me super human fart powers, these were the smelliest farts I had ever produced, I was on the farting form of my life. I remember my mate bent down to pick something up off the floor and the exact same time I let a power fart go. Ahh man I crying typing this, it was his face, it was complete anguish, pain and something else, it seemed to have a bit of sorrow in it, like I had taken away his innocence or something, he knew he would never be the same again. Anyway to this day he is convinced that he was burnt by the close proximity to a Hosky super fart, he felt the heat and got himself burn by an arse biscuit.

The above is all completely made up, if you like made up stuff you try listening to this funny podcast - http://hoskshalfhour.blogspot.com/

Steven Gerrard opens new boxing gym

2009-08-12T08:38:00.000-07:00

Last week Steven Gerrard was found not guilty after he confronted the DJ about the type of music he was playing, Gerrard insisted he let him change the music because he was torturing the whole pub with terrible music choices and barely audible cheesy comments between songs. It is rumoured the DJ struck a blow for DJ's everywhere when he told Steven Gerrard that he would have to "rip the cd's out of his Ninja grip if he wanted to change the music". Gerrard being an English gentlemen had no time for a Ninja based attack but he was well verse in Queensbury rules and the craft of boxing. After the initial confrontation there seemed to be a breakdown in communication, the DJ seemingly not realizing he accepted a duel with Liverpool's finest, relaxed, dropped his guard and continue to pollute the soundscape with his terrible songs. At the start of the next song, Steve G came storming out and delivered 3 swift upper cuts or as some observers described as delivering some "chin music" to the DJ. The chin music was not to the taste of the DJ and he promptly dived on the floor and conceding the bout. On the unveiling of the first of his new gyms Steve Gerrard gave this uplifting speech "for too many years DJ's have tortured and bullied the every man with their foul brew of terrible songs, grease lighting, tuneless singing, the village people and repeated playing of the same songs week in and week out. Today people of the UK and the world, today is the day we say no more, today is the day we say listen to the crowd and play what they want. I don't agree with Morrissey's attitude towards DJ's when he advised people to hang them but I definitely believe we should stand up to them and punch them a bit." Gerrard ambition is to open a boxing gym in every major city and believes this is a crucial first blow in the war against aggressive DJ's which are a blight on UK society.

The above is all completely made up, if you like made up stuff you try listening to this funny podcast - http://hoskshalfhour.blogspot.com/

Gordon Brown strikes back at swearing Tories

2009-08-12T08:37:00.000-07:00

Today Gordon Brown instantly struck back against the Tories blatantly swearing to attract younger votes. On the radio today David Cameron replied when asked about Twitter “The trouble with Twitter, the instantness of it - too many twits might make a tw*t. The Labour press machine swung into action and when Gordon Brown was asked to comment on Cameron’s use of the word tw*t he replied “f*ck Cameron and his F**king potty mouth, he can shove his swear words up his a%$e, Labour have been swearing for years and now suddenly Cameron thinks it’s cool to swear on radio, well the plum faced ellipsoid folk dancer can kiss me where the sun don’t shine”.

Browns outburst have been calculated to not only nullify the swearing of Cameron but gain Labour votes in the 18-26 year old voters. It later turned out that Gordon Brown had been receiving swearing lessons from the legendary foul mouthed chief Gordon “F%$k” Ramsey. This follows on directly of the rumour’s Gordon Brown has been secretly learning break dancing which he believes is going to play a major part in the forthcoming election.

The above is all completely made up, if you like made up stuff you try listening to this funny podcast - http://hoskshalfhour.blogspot.com/

Inglourious basterds

2009-08-12T08:36:00.001-07:00

News just in

Quentin Tarantino announced today that he spent 6 months locked in a room thinking for a agonizing over the title for his new film Inglourious basterds. When interview recently he said he wanted to remove some of the myths that surround the title. Tarantino said there was no truth that he got the idea for the title by listening to the base sounds which reverberated in his toilet whilst squeezing out a turd e.g. bas(e)terds. Tarantino also quickly dismissed the idea that he was in love with the French way of saying bastard, although he did freely admit he found saying it in a French accent was highly amusing and satisfying, Tarantino went on to recommend all the fans of his movie to try it out. Tarantino struck back at people who said he put in the word "basterds" so it would get past censors and allow the film title to be put on posters. "that is complete bullshirt and you can print that because that's not a swear word either" replied the media savvy director. "anyone who thinks that is a f*&king moron" said the agitated director and muttered about something about internet conspiracies. Tarantino finally went on to admit that after months of desperately searching for a witty title for his new film he just copied the title from the 1978 italian film - Inglourious Basterds Or if you are fluent in the Italian tongue - Quel maledetto treno blindat. This revelation will come of no shock to many observers of Tarantino‘s films who say he copies the plots from films so why not the titles. Tarantino did go on to say “I might have copied the title but the rest of it’s all my idea and you can tell that because it has lots of fu*king swearing in it. Tarantino then said "adieu" and danced off into the night

The above is all completely made up, if you like made up stuff you try listening to this funny podcast - http://hoskshalfhour.blogspot.com/

Do you get jealous of dogs sniffing arses

2009-08-07T14:20:00.000-07:00

It might be just me but someone when you are watching a dog sniff another dogs arse and I know you all do this. I sometimes get a little bit jealous, I mean I don’t want to sniff the other dogs arse or their bits, in fact I don’t really want to sniff a women’s arse and bits, especially you see them sitting there at work all day, it’s going to be sweaty, basically no one wants to sniff a sweaty crack, front or back.

No what I mean is dogs seem to get real enjoyment out of it, the love it. I wish I could get enjoyment out of the simple things in life like sniffing arses but I tried it and I can’t. They sniff that arse and go hmmm, that’s some good shit and it seems to perk them up.

I wish I could speak to them and say what’s so good but then imagine if dogs could speak. You know what I think they would say.

Do you know you call me man’s best friend

Oh yes and you are my four legged friend

And I’m loyal, obedient, guard the house from burglars, post men

Oh yes you are tremendous asset to the family

Then why the fucking hell did you reward me by chopping off my fucking knackers, you chopped off my balls you bastard. Mans best friend my arse, Christ if that’s how you treat your best friends what the hell do you do to your enemies, turn their arse holes inside out, rip their tongue out and wear it as an ear rings, swap their faces with their arses, put eyes on their feet, move their mouth into the middle of their back and give them some hot soup.

Erm never really thought about like that

Oh yeah everyone saying how well behaved I am, that’s not down to your training that’s because you have taken away my will to live, what’s the point in life if you haven’t got any balls.

Imagine if aliens were monitoring this situation, the aliens were just about to land to start communicating with the humans, oh looks there is man with his best friend that funny furry fella walking on all four. Oh my god, oh shit the ones on two legs who we were coming to speak to has just gone and lobbed off his best mates nuts.

So then the aliens who are pretty close and visible in the sky go, fuck this, I’m not speaking to these animals, what if they befriend us, they will want to lob off our bollocks, abort mission, abort mission. Shit that farmer can see, what should we do, shall we beam him up and probe him. Nah don’t worry, look who will believe him, he looks like someone who enters X Factor and can’t sing but doesn’t realise it, who the hell is going to believe him. Anyway look at him he is making a crop circle himself.

Why is it that people/humans think aliens have travelled millions of billions of lights years to visit earth and then the only thing they do before flying all the way back is make a symmetrical pattern in a field which no one can make head nor tail of. Why would they do that. You don’t go around flying to Australia, then sneaking into someone’s garden, trim their hedge into an odd shape and then sneak off without saying anything.

Also the people who say aliens visit them, some of it is totally unbelievable. Like when someone from Bradford say they have been visited/abducted by aliens, I will never believe them. Humans don’t want to go to Bradford, there is no way Aliens are going to fly a billion light years, have the whole world to choose from and then choose Bradford or Hull.

When Will the borrowing end

2009-08-07T14:17:00.001-07:00

I have over the past 5 years often thought about the increased borrowing patterns of the population of the UK over recent times. I have been puzzled that people could seemingly keep borrowing money, via credit cards, loans and releasing money from their houses. I only have a basic grasp of money, enough to get by and keep paying the house and the bills and invest the little money I have left over. I could never really understand how people could keep borrowing but yet never really seem to feel any pain when it came to the point they had to pay this money back. The reason for this was because it seemed instead of paying off the money borrow on the credit cards people were just borrowing more, this was accomplished by credit card companies offering larger credit limits and people adding it the seem.

But the same thought was always there, if you borrow money at some point you will have to pay it back

A question I asked myself before this was how had we created a society who had become so comfortable with large debts. For this thought I will exclude the mortgage because although there is no doubt a lot of people have mortgages and indeed probably have bigger mortgages in a annual salary to amount borrowed than ever before in history. Although the amount borrowed does encourage people to borrow because if they want to purchase items they will have less money left after paying their mortgage payments, leaving the easiest alternative to purchasing goods, borrowing. Yet for the this discussion I will view mortgage payments as a standard payment everyone has to make because for the majority of people it’s either a mortgage payment or a rent payment that has to be made each month.

Back to my question why are people comfortable with large debts for people of my parents era, borrowing huge sums of money on credit cards was not only not the done thing but it wasn’t an option because when credit cards were first used they were extremely difficult to obtain. This ideas highlights how the banking practices have changed so much in one generation, 20 years ago obtaining credit was difficult where as now not having a wallet full of credit cards with huge credit is difficult.

This is one area the banks and credit card companies have lead to their own downfall. Credit cards used to be only given to people who the banks thought would be able to pay the amount borrowed back or you had some collateral which they could seize if they needed to get goods of the equivalent value. Similar to mortgages (excluding sub prime and 125 percent mortgages), mortgages are given to the amount they have calculated you can afford. Credit cards initially worked on a similar basis when they were initially launched, they were given to people who had the money to pay back the borrowed values and they had quite small limits which the banks deemed you could afford to pay back without too much pain.

At some point during the last 10 years the idea of giving credit to people who could afford it has been slowly eroded until we have reached the current situation where anyone can get credit, loans and credit cards to amounts beyond their means. This paradigm change from the banks has also seeped in the conscious of the borrowers, so whilst the banks and credit card companies were lending to people regardless of the income, people starting to spend beyond their income. The link between the money people earnt and the money people spent disappeared.

Interestingly I think the credit card itself has contributed to this change of philosophy. When people got paid in notes and coins, I am guessing the act of physically handing over money they worked all week would have also made them question the value of the goods they were purchasing. The introduction of the credit card has taken away this check because the action of spending with a credit card doesn’t have the seem as significant, it is more nonchalant, less thoughtful act of spending virtual money which takes off some figures from your virtual bank. The removal of the physical passing of cash, makes it seem easier to detach yourself from the consequences of the purchase and the money is going to be taken from your bank.

The Credit Crunch Ramblings

2009-08-07T14:13:00.000-07:00

I was amused today to hear on the radio that a commentator was saying the general public are coping well with credit crunch.

Hmm well we are doing okay, most of it the banks losing loads of money, as long as it isn’t mine doesn’t matter much to me, it won’t change my life very much.

Oh dear the 4^th biggest investment bank has gone. Erm what does it mean to me. They talk about trillions, billions, billion of trillion, gazillions of money being lost. But is it, it could be just me but I don’t think all this money actually ever existed.

Has anyone ever seen this money in the note format, nope

Is anyone apart from the other banks going to miss it, nope

If all this money goes up or goes down is it going to matter to me, nope

Its all made up, they might as well be talking about their made up friend, Mr Bing Bing, oh dear Mr Bing Bing has lost 50 billion today, silly Mr Bing Bing then they ask mum and dad, e.g. the governments to have replace the money Mr Bing bing has lost, okay dear here you go a big wad of made up money that won’t actually make anything we can touch or use, no service we can benefit from.

What is the point in all this investment, shares going up and down, investments this and that. Why not have a system which is like a great big game of roulette or a fruit machine. The banks gamble a certain amount and then that’s it.

The reason we aren’t getting out of the credit crunch is because the wise, really clever people beyond are understanding, who when last year we asked this people, so how’s going we got

CLEVER INVESTMENT BANKER : Yeah OK

MAN ON THE STREET : Woah woah, you have just invested, not just all the money people have saved in your banks but then you borrowed a load more, gambled on being lent more and made up a bunch more cash and the investment is going OK.

CLEVER INVESTMENT BANKER : Fine

MAN ON THE STREET : Not bad or a bit dodgy then

CLEVER INVESTMENT BANKER : Tsk, look at this suit, Taylor made, very expensive, we don’t do dodgy, No, look I could explain to you but your incredibly small simple brains would never comprehend the insanely clever computations and prediction algorithms used in these investments.

MAN ON THE STREET : Yeah, I’m sure you are right, I mean look at the huge bonus we gave you last year, you must be doing a good job, how are those investments going for the bonus we have already paid you for

CLEVER INVESTMENT BANKER : Oh, erm, to tell you the truth I haven’t even checked but sometime in the future they will probably make you a lot of money, big money, huge mountains of money, Bill Gates money baby

MAN ON THE STREET : Brilliant, that’s what I want to hear, what were those predictions based on again

CLEVER INVESTMENT BANKER : A hunch, me guessing the huge amounts of money they would make

MAN ON THE STREET : Guessing, a hunch, what if they don’t make money

CLEVER INVESTMENT BANKER : Who cares. It will probably be like the businesses who you get to make business plans for and then you lend them the money on those made up business plans and figures

MAN ON THE STREET : Erm, I don’t want to alarm you but they usually go bust and the bank loses money on them or has to take their houses

CLEVER INVESTMENT BANKER : Yeah yeah, look I am rather busy at the moment, I am working on a new system to make sure I get a bigger bonus next year. It looks like lasts years brilliant idea of lending money to people who couldn’t afford it, is starting to come to an end. So next years biggie is Circular Investing

MAN ON THE STREET : Oh yeah sounds interesting

CLEVER INVESTMENT BANKER : Well it works like this, we lend ourselves some money, charge ourselves interest on the loan but then with the money borrowed we invest it and make a quick profit before paying it back to ourselves. We make money on lending it to ourselves and the investment, we can’t lose. The real beauty is we can charge what ever interest rate we like and we will still take the loan, the higher the interest the more money we make. The other idea we had was negative borrowing. We borrow money from people who don’t have any money on the basis it won’t cause any problems because we will just pay it back without losing it, so the fact there wasn’t any money there to begin with doesn’t matter.

MAN ON THE STREET : and you get paid for making this crap up and investing money into it

CLEVER INVESTMENT BANKER : hey dude, it takes a lot of balls to invest millions into this crackpot ideas which even an idiot would think twice about. That takes real vision and real balls and a lot of suckers to pay my wages.

So the funny thing at the moment is the reason the credit crunch is getting worse is because the banks and the money men are all panicing. They won’t lend to each other, they won’t lend to people who want to buy houses. They know if they don’t the economy will grind to a halt but yet they won’t risk lending us some money. Well if only you had been so prudent the last bloody five years we wouldn’t have a credit crunch. They are also short selling and rumour mongering and sending black clouds over each others banks and investments.

Its like a big cruel joke creating by Franz Kafka. When we wanted them to act with some prudent they went wild and invested in anything even terribly bad, unregulated investments. Now to get out of the mess they have got us in we need to start trusting each other, lending to money to people, they won’t. taking us into further trouble. The best bit, is I bet they are still giving themselves bonuses.

Written by the creator of comedy podcast – Hosks Half Hour - http://hoskshalfhour.blogspot.com/

Michael Jackson seen buying fish and chips in Scarborough

2009-07-29T09:37:00.002-07:00

Michael Jackson the former king of pop was today seen buying his favourite meal of Fish and chips in a chip shop in Scarborough. It was widely known the former king of pop’s favourite meal was fish and chips but no one was prepared for him coming back from the dead to purchase the fish and potato based meal. Trevor Stanley the owner of the fish shop “In Cod We Trust” said he initially thought something fishy was going on when someone called Michael Jackson came in to buy cod and chips.

Trevor described the revelation in these words “The king of pop came in at 5.30pm, initially we didn’t recognize him because he had the body of a large biker with goatee beard and a tattoo of a mermaid on his left arm, Michael announced he was Michael Jackson and he had risen from the dead and borrowed this body so he could enjoy his favourite seaside meal of cod and chips, he then moon walked in the shop, grabbed his crotch and said Yeeeheee, it was at that point I knew he was the real Michael Jackson.”

Trevor looked up to the ceiling as if relieving the moment, he visible tried to compose himself and elevate the chocking powerful emotions of the moment. After 10 minutes Trevor was able to continue his amazing story “I will never forget it, I was the last person to see Michael Jackson alive but what really amazed me was he had curry sauce, I remember thinking, who would have thought MJ would like curry sauce”

Since the sighting, Trevor’s shop has been full of Michael Jackson fans ordering the latest entry on the menu – The Michael Jackson Moonwalk special, which consists of cod, chips and a large curry sauce. Many local people have speculated the reason Michael Jackson chose to order chips from Scarborough could be because of its proximity to Whitby, made famous by the Dracula novel. Perhaps the prince of pop and the prince of darkness are both fans of fish and chips.

Twenty20 Football

2009-07-29T09:37:00.001-07:00

The Premier League chiefs stunned the world with a football version of the twenty20 tournament. Premier League officials keen to profit from the success and popularity of crickets twenty20 tournament format have announced plans to have their own Twenty20 competition which will run for two weeks after the football season has ended.

Gary Wilmore a spokesman for the premier league gave this statement to an eager press room. “A study commissioned by the premier league to study the habits of football fans when the football season had finished, found many football fans were watching Twenty20 cricket, it seemed obvious to us an ideal offering to these fans would be to combine the excitement of Twenty20 cricket with the even more exciting sport of football and this is how we got Twenty20 Football. The rules of the competition are simple, you have two halves of twenty minutes, for the first 10 minutes of every half you have a power play where one of the teams must have 6 of the eleven players in the opponents half. To add to the excitement you will get 2 goals for goals scored with shots outside of the area and 2 goals for overhead kicks, diving headers.”

Wilmore turned on his heels and with a brief salute to the press core was gone amid a frenzied room of reporters barking questions like “will David Beckham be a captain?”, “do offside’s count double?”, “what does Graham Taylor have to say about this?”. Rumours of Gazza making a comeback were quickly whispered around the room and a brief rendition of Fog on the Tyne swirled round the room dying as quickly as it had begun, leaving the giddy participants with eyes darting round the room, seeing if someone else would lead them into another song, the room remained silent and the party atmosphere drifted back to the revolutionary idea at hand, Twenty20 Football.

It is widely believed the Football Twenty20 tournament will replace the ill thought out and infamous “39^th Game” idea which wilted under media scrutiny last year. The potential fixture clash with the world cup was waved away by the premier League spokesman, who told the audience “the world cup is dead, long live the Premier League”

The Fans believe but does the team?

2009-07-28T08:17:00.000-07:00

The world keeps on turning, time keeps on ticking, footballs keep on being kicked up and down the pitch for 90 minutes. We stumble towards the start of another season feeling slightly giddy with expectation, infused with optimism, the kind of feeling you get after having two pints at lunchtime on Friday, floating back to the office and joyfully navigating your way through a carefree afternoon, knowing the salvation of the weekend is almost upon you.

The reigns of the Ipswich steed have been handed to another eager rider, poor Jim having been bucked off by the Suffolk punch thoroughbred that is Ipswich, a feat which is more impressive than it sounds because Jim slowly strangled the life out of the Ipswich beast, leaving the once proud horse and its supporters flailing around on the floor gasping for breath like a fish on dry land. The end of season performances for Ipswich were dull affairs where seemingly the players couldn’t motivate themselves to exert any energies into the match, the matches took on a grim repetitiveness of Ipswich of winning one, losing one, beating the team we should lose too, losing to the team we should beat and getting nowhere fast.

The lack of goals and cutting edge made watching Ipswich a supreme effort in will power, we might have lost in the past but the Ipswich teams always had the ability to score goals, we usually lost because we weren’t willing to kick, barge, cheat and an outright refusal to lump the ball into the opponents box at every opportunity, Ipswich had their footballing standards and we stuck to them, tis better for the team to play entertaining football than it is to win at any cost. This philosophy is major contributing factor to the warmth and respect opposing fans have of Ipswich, this admiration is also an indication of historical generosity of the Ipswich allowing many teams to kick us off the park and snatch the points from us.

Now it’s a new season, a new commander at the helm. Keane, the Messier, the leader of men, a man who doesn’t suffer footballing fools gladly. Keane’s believes in winning, winning is everything, you either win or you lose, 1^st position or nowhere. If winning is your mantra you wonder what Keane thought when confronted with a team of mediocre under achievers, a team who were beaten last year through lack of effort, a team who put the same effort in as an office worker for civil service, the Ipswich team came to work, went through the motions and then took their cheques at the end of the week.

Football players are an unusual beast, how do you motivate someone who is relatively financially secure for life (if they aren’t complete idiots with their cash – which isn’t hard earned), a question which managers up and down the country are wrestling with, it reminds me of an alligator which has you in a death role, you either master the alligator or the alligator masters you and eats you for supper. Managers either motivate the players or the players slowly lose belief and motivation, motivation is the difference between the same players winning and the same players losing. I view Keane like a fearless general, Bonaparte or Alexander the great; you follow his orders because you believe in his vision, in his belief, in his willingness and desire to win.

I believe half of the winning of a football match is winning the match in your mind beforehand, it happens before you even set out onto the pitch. An Individual or team with an unswerving belief they are going to win are more likely to win. When people complain about Man Utd’s constant lucky late goals I think they miss the point. It’s because they believe they are going to score late goals, don’t settle for the draw, and believe they are going to snatch the win or draw that makes them score lots of late goals. The belief makes the team constantly stream forward until the last second of the match (and beyond), it’s a self perpetuating belief, the more you try and believe the more it happens, the more it happens the more you believe.

Keane’s mantra of winning seems to be giving the team a sense of purpose, the team believe, the fans believe and even the bookies believe. Average is no longer good enough, the standards Keane demands have been set and if the players do not perform then it’s time to go. The players seem to have been infused with more purpose, more vigour, and more desire to win.

I also like Keane’s transfer policy (if he manages to sign anyone), 2 or 3 excellent players at 1.5 – 2 million pounds each, the direct opposite from Jim’s policy of buying 13 average players to go with the team of average players we already had.

I heard a rumour from a source close to the manager, any player whose effort and form dropped below world class levels will be made to fight to the death with Keane’s faithful four legged bodyguard Trigger, Trigger comes with a reputation of besting anyone careless enough to step into the ring with him. If this doesn’t motivate the pack of lazy town players then nothing will.

Hawkins revealed as government mouth piece

2009-07-27T15:37:00.000-07:00

I was just watching a goggle vision of Stephan Hawking and he is an alright bloke but you know he could smile a bit more. When you see Hawking, there in his wheel chair, one arm distorted and bent with disability, the other barely managing to push the directional joystick to his wheel chair, big nerdy glasses and a football managers quiff limply hanging over his head. Despite all the set backs and hardship he has still managed to get, not one but two girlfriends, I used to think about that when I was single, bloody Hawkin’s could get a chick and there I was a fun, good looking chap, intelligent, don’t get me wrong I’m not saying I could take Hawkins in a game of trivial pursuit or anything but lets be honest does it really do you any good to be so knowledgeable about space, time arrows, black holes because there is no bastard you can tell who is actually going to know what you are waffling on about, I wonder what his chat up line was.

In fact how did it work, he has to type everything in, did she say something and then he was there wait, wait, she waited 30 minutes, ooooh I wonder what the brain is going to say, it’s going to be soo profound. Electric voice of Hawkin’s - “You have got lovely tuts”, tuts? Wait he wiggles his finger, probably just shakes it, corrects the typo, “ you have got lovely tits”.

I know everyone thinks this when they say Hawkins. They think, well if I had the time to just sit there all day and didn’t worry about moving or doing anything, then I would probably ideas like his. A bit like everyone believes they could be a professional footballer if they practised everyday. If I sat there, everyday, not really talking or worried about women and just thought about the universe, creation of the planet, in fact I would have probably worked it by now, in fact he should probably pull his finger, if he can obviously.

The documentary said, Hawkins won’t rest until he has the theory of the universe solved. They say won’t rest but you know, you would struggle to say he has an active, exhausting life.

It’s actually my believe Hawkins is actually just used for propaganda. He probably actually died 10 years ago and now the government wheel him out, use him as a mouthpiece for some of their more radical ideas. Some might say he is just a puppet of the government.

It won’t be long until we see Hawkins rolling down in front of the camera, delivering a monologue detailing the excellent way the government has dealt with the financial situation, which clearly wasn’t their fault and was clearly the fault of the previous and highly inferior government. Hawkins will then finish off with a “goodbye chumps” and wheel spins off into his cupboard to charge himself up for his next government announcement.

After the first failed attempts to try to use the powerful mind and twisted mind hole of Hawkins to try and rally support for the ailing government, a government which was once a beacon of light in dark stormy sea of confusion, some might say it looked like a huge looming dildo in sea of writhing lesbians who were happy with their prosthetic love pumps but in the back of their minds they couldn’t ever fully clear their minds of the weed of a thought that a real penis connected to a real man might feel better, if only they could somehow disconnect it from the vile beast on the end of it.

The early missions of the Hawkins experiment slowly beat it’s self of energy, flapping and thrashing like a fish who leapt out of the sea and straight onto the plate of a super model, it wasn’t going to get eaten by this bag of bones, bones who appeal to many red blooded males but not ones who are looking for a breeder. The model furiously integrated the fish for 30 minutes playing good cop and bad cop with one face, she finally conceded to the superior foe and sat the fish onto the chair and took it’s place on the plate, ending the night in a bloody uproar when a passing Chinese tourist attempted to take a meaty bite out of her left buttock, she barely managed to fight him off with a fork and before leaping to the cool refuge of the water to spend the rest of her days as an angry seahorse who taunted jellyfish for their lack of bones.

It become clear to the government Hawkins was a weapon of confusion and clearly not the persuasive missile they thought he was. One of the brains in the government sucked the idea right out of the sky, the thoughts could be found at an altitude of 1000 metres, woven in amongst the fluffiest of clouds. “Get that funny little fucker on TV, make him talk in riddles about stars, string theories and black holes, we are going to scare those brain numbs into voting for us.”